Unhappy Anniversary

There is no card to be bought for this anniversary.  There is no traditional or modern gift to be given.  There is no reason to celebrate, no reason to smile.  It has been a whole year since Daddy died and still, every day, I struggle to believe that he is gone forever.  I am torn between desperately trying to recall every last moment spent with him, and desperately trying to forget them.  In hopeful moments, it seems entirely possible that he is just on vacation somewhere, only gone for a little while.  Those moments eventually pass and give way to reality, though, and I am left to constantly distract myself so that I don't submit wholly to the grief and sorrow...so that the fog doesn't completely overtake me.  In quiet moments, when I have the time to be overtaken, though, it does feel good.  To cry, to remember, to miss him.  To imagine what he might have liked best if he had ever visited Okinawa.  To imagine how he might have interacted with my kids as they grew - what nicknames he would have made for the twins to go with Adam's classic of "Chupacabra Deluxe from South Texas."  To imagine...

It's what you do, unthinking, that makes the
quick tear start; the tear may be forgotten....
but the hurt stays in the heart.
(Ella Higginson)