Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I'm The Other Woman


I wrote this blog the day after my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 non-small cell lung cancer.  I didn't want to post it prematurely.  We buried Daddy today and I am certain that the rest of my life will be totally different.  I still don't know what I'll do without my Dad around.  Here's what I wrote on the 14th of June: 

I managed to get out for a run today, in an effort to clear my mind and ease some stress.  Ha.  How can that possibly happen?  As I began the run, a million thoughts were going through my head.  What on earth will I do if my Daddy doesn't beat this?  Is he strong enough to take the treatments he'll need?  Does he even want to live the life that the treatments will cause?  I know what the diagnosis means - what the numbers are.  I know that this will be an uphill fight and that his days are probably numbered, be it two months or two years.  They are numbered.  What do I do?  Stay here?  Go home?  If I go home, I bring lots of chaos and I just don't want to impose that.  What help can I be?  Maybe God has a miracle slated for Dad.  Maybe He will make this all go away.  But I don't think so.  About two minutes into my run, I passed a house with a banner hanging on it - "WELCOME HOME DADDY!"  Hand-painted, in kids' handwriting.  We do live on an Air Force base, so this might not seem like anything special.  But today it was.  It made me wonder: Do they have those signs in heaven?  For the Daddies who go to heaven?  Wait.  Is my Daddy going to heaven?  Suddenly, I believed that sign was put there for me.  Like God was telling me that it was time for my Daddy to go Home.  So I immediately began to pray.  Hard.  Pray for guidance, for healing, for strength, for a miracle.  But all of a sudden, it hit me: I was going against God.  How could I compete with God?  I suddenly felt like I was the other woman, trying to convince God to let Dad choose me.  Over God.  How could I expect him to do that?  How could I expect anyone to choose me over God?  He will...and should...choose to be with God.  It was clear to me then - I don't know when, but he will go Home fairly soon.  I just hope there's a sign welcoming him when he gets there.  Because he deserves at least that.  I love you, Daddy.  And I'll miss you when you go.

With nearly 200 people at his visitation and over 300 at his service, it was obvious that I am not the only one who will miss him.


9 comments:

Celeste said...

Oh Amy. This post brought tears to my eyes. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending lots of love your way . . . -Celeste

WSUGirl said...

Oh Amy - I have to say I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. We are sending love and big hugs!!!!
Tina & Todd

Anonymous said...

Beautifully written. While you were blessed to have him as a father, he was no doubt blessed to have you as a daughter. I'm sure he's looking over you and your family now...Your very own angel. We are sending up prayers for you all!
Allison and Dave

Dinah Jane said...

Amy,
This was really beautiful and a true testament to what a wonderful daughter, friend and child of God you are to your dad and all of your family and friends. I pray for peace and comfort for you and your family during this tough time.
Love,
Dinah

Karen and Chris said...

Oh Amy. I am so so sorry. I really have no words just tears. I will be praying for each person in your precious family.

"Miss Bee" said...

What a beautiful testament to the person your dad was. You are exactly the legacy he would have hoped to leave.

I have no doubt there was a banner waiting for him. With glitter. Maybe even puffy paint.

sarahsmile3 said...

Amy, Rachel directed me to this post and I am glad she did. This was beautifully written with a message so true and pure that it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.
Your father must be proud.

Pat said...

Amy, Rachel has kept us informed as you walked with your dad these last few weeks. How blessed he was to have you nearby. Know that he's happier than he's ever been, and that he can look down and pray for you and all his loved ones so much better than ever before. God bless all of you and comfort you on the days you need comfort....

Amy said...

Thank you all so much for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers for my family. It will be a long road and I'm not sure the road will have an end, but we will eventually find a new way in this life. I appreciate all of you.